Archive for October, 2010

Beauty for Ashes

Posted: October 25, 2010 in Uncategorized

Just when I thought I was finally safe and sound, mother called me yesterday morning, and I endured the most miserable hour-long phone conversation I care to remember. Ah, nothing like an unexpected, nasty surprise to ruin a perfectly good Sunday morning!

Of course, nobody gave a damn or understood when I stoically endured all manners of physical discomforts related to physically acclimatizing to a new environment all those years ago when I first came here as a traumatized teenager on the verge of suicide and just needed to get away from the toxic, hellish environment everyone else was calling home-sweet-home. I can still remember – crystal clearly- how everyone waited with glee to watch me fall flat on my face and go running home back to Sparks because I couldn’t handle med school. I honestly don’t know where the determination to succeed came from. I made a vow to myself and all that was sacred (of which there were not many!) in my life that I was going to either graduate or die trying. If not for the grace of God and everyone along the road that helped me, I never would have made it.

I still wonder why I’m not surprised mother NOW wishes that I had given up on my goal all those years ago and went running back home. I guess she still views me as the obvious candidate for the sacrificial lamb to be slaughtered on the altar of the needs of this family. If I had been loved, nurtured, respected and protected, I would actually feel guilty for having a life that is my own. Well, ain’t that a surprise: the village idiot everyone laughed at, taunted, ridiculed, and ritually humiliated just for kicks turns out to be the one person who actually gets any shit done for this family instead of just flapping her gums at everything. Years of being used as a verbal punching bag by a demented, psychotic bitch for her dysphoric, bipolar screamfests richly spiced with every profanity and abuse one can imagine taught me the true meaning of “silence is golden”.

If I had any previous doubts that no good deed ever goes unpunished, they were decidedly banished by what happened the day mother decided to come to Tainan unannounced. I became so irritated by her intrusive questions I could hear my voice raising in an angry crescendo before telling her bluntly that I just don’t want to talk about it. Period. God, if she was smart, she’d know when to just leave it at that and not push me any further!

On a beautiful, serene, sunny post-hurricane Sunday morning, I was aptly reminded of the awesome grace of God~before, I was right there in the gutters: trampled, despised, and worthless…yet after, I possess enough dignity to know for a fact that my Master is my ultimate keeper-and that nothing has escaped Him.